I feel it coming.

      I feel a bout of depression is coming. Cause I'm feeling the hopelessness and sadness coming back that I haven't felt in a while.  I thought maybe I was finally getting better but know I feel like I'm falling backwards and that it might be worse this time.  I wonder if because I was recently diagnosed with depression and anxiety that I just don't know much about it and that medication and therapy isn't a cure all but that I might go through cycles.  I hope this doesn't become a constant thing.  I know that my writing has been affected by it because I haven't worked on my novel for like a couple months now.  I just have no motivation or ideas for it.  I just hope that I can get back on it and start doing what I love again.

Going to the Airport

     I'm really excited because my fiancée is coming home today.  He is on his flight right now in the air coming home.  I never realized how much I missed him until he was gone and I had the house to myself.  I will be leaving for the airport in a little bit and will get to see him soon. 

House to myself Day 2

     Second day is going a little better. It stinks that it is St Patrick's day and I didn't make any plans to celebrate. Oh well.  There's always next year.  Came home from work and am watching scary movies on Amazon Prime.  Is it weird that I like watching scary movies all year round and not just during October?

House to myself Day 1

     My fiancée had to leave for Chicago today for a funeral of a family member.  This is the first time in a long time that I have the house to myself.  I feel really lonely without him and hope that I won't have a depression moment without him here.  I did have dinner with my mom and twin sister tonight so that helped a little.  I just hope that I can last until he gets home.  I never realized how much I would miss him.  Other times he has gone out of town and it hasn't bothered me as much as this time does.  I hope that I'm no becoming too dependent on him.  I liked when I could be with him but still feel fine by myself. 

Relaxing day

     I had a very relaxing day today.  I did laundry which was easier for me to do now then it was before.  Before it was very hard to do a simple task like that.  Where it would only take me maybe a couple hours to do was taking my almost 2 to 3 days to do one load.  I just didn't have the motivation to finish what I started or to do anything for that matter.  I think that I changes that I made are starting to make me feel better about those choices now.  I just hope that this continues and I look forward for what the future brings.

Podcast

     So I have decided to do what I have always wanted to do.  I am going to start making a podcast.  I am going to do it on myths, legends, and true crime.  I will post a link as soon as I get the first episode done.  

Slowly getting better

    So far this week I have been doing better.  My coworkers told me that I looked good with makeup from a picture I showed them.  So this week I have been wearing makeup everyday.  I don't know if it was the confidence I got from what they were saying or maybe the antidepressants I'm on are starting to work but I actually started feeling better about myself.  You see, I haven't worn makeup in a long time because I just never had the motivation to do it and I always figured who was going to see me at my old job.  And I think with some of the weight I gained that I just didn't see myself as pretty anymore.

    But today that has changed.  Just hearing the compliments that some of my new coworkers said made me feel a little better.  I actually started feeling better about the new job that I am at.  My fiancée even sees a difference in me too.  I think I might actually be getting better and finding out who I am.  Only time will tell for now. 

Hello again.

     I know I haven't posted in a long while and I'm sorry for that.  I have been going through some stuff and had to take some time to work on me.  I have been dealing with some depression but have been put on some medication that seems to be helping a little bit.  I have also been seeing a therapist.  I can't really go into detail right now but to let you know in the end and in the best interest for my health.  I had to leave my job that I loved because of the stress and the types of things I was dealing there on a daily basis.  

    For those of you that don't know I was a 911 call taker and dispatcher for 7 years at my local law enforcement agency.  A personal thing happened to me that certain calls were triggering my depression and maybe PTSD type thing ( I have not been diagnosed but have been told by the EAP rep that it sounded like it).  I had to step away to that I could focus on getting better and hope to someday in the future go back to this job.  I have taken a less stressful job but am having some struggles with going from a high stress job to a low stress one.  My new coworkers are understanding and are helping me though.

    I wanted to start using this blog as a diary to document how I'm doing and the struggles I am facing and hoping to find people having or had similar situations that I have.  To share those experiences to help other people.  I am hoping that this can help me with getting better and becoming the person that I once was and who I know I am again.