I feel it coming.

      I feel a bout of depression is coming. Cause I'm feeling the hopelessness and sadness coming back that I haven't felt in a while.  I thought maybe I was finally getting better but know I feel like I'm falling backwards and that it might be worse this time.  I wonder if because I was recently diagnosed with depression and anxiety that I just don't know much about it and that medication and therapy isn't a cure all but that I might go through cycles.  I hope this doesn't become a constant thing.  I know that my writing has been affected by it because I haven't worked on my novel for like a couple months now.  I just have no motivation or ideas for it.  I just hope that I can get back on it and start doing what I love again.

Going to the Airport

     I'm really excited because my fiancée is coming home today.  He is on his flight right now in the air coming home.  I never realized how much I missed him until he was gone and I had the house to myself.  I will be leaving for the airport in a little bit and will get to see him soon. 

House to myself Day 2

     Second day is going a little better. It stinks that it is St Patrick's day and I didn't make any plans to celebrate. Oh well.  There's always next year.  Came home from work and am watching scary movies on Amazon Prime.  Is it weird that I like watching scary movies all year round and not just during October?

House to myself Day 1

     My fiancée had to leave for Chicago today for a funeral of a family member.  This is the first time in a long time that I have the house to myself.  I feel really lonely without him and hope that I won't have a depression moment without him here.  I did have dinner with my mom and twin sister tonight so that helped a little.  I just hope that I can last until he gets home.  I never realized how much I would miss him.  Other times he has gone out of town and it hasn't bothered me as much as this time does.  I hope that I'm no becoming too dependent on him.  I liked when I could be with him but still feel fine by myself. 

Relaxing day

     I had a very relaxing day today.  I did laundry which was easier for me to do now then it was before.  Before it was very hard to do a simple task like that.  Where it would only take me maybe a couple hours to do was taking my almost 2 to 3 days to do one load.  I just didn't have the motivation to finish what I started or to do anything for that matter.  I think that I changes that I made are starting to make me feel better about those choices now.  I just hope that this continues and I look forward for what the future brings.

Podcast

     So I have decided to do what I have always wanted to do.  I am going to start making a podcast.  I am going to do it on myths, legends, and true crime.  I will post a link as soon as I get the first episode done.  

Slowly getting better

    So far this week I have been doing better.  My coworkers told me that I looked good with makeup from a picture I showed them.  So this week I have been wearing makeup everyday.  I don't know if it was the confidence I got from what they were saying or maybe the antidepressants I'm on are starting to work but I actually started feeling better about myself.  You see, I haven't worn makeup in a long time because I just never had the motivation to do it and I always figured who was going to see me at my old job.  And I think with some of the weight I gained that I just didn't see myself as pretty anymore.

    But today that has changed.  Just hearing the compliments that some of my new coworkers said made me feel a little better.  I actually started feeling better about the new job that I am at.  My fiancée even sees a difference in me too.  I think I might actually be getting better and finding out who I am.  Only time will tell for now. 

Hello again.

     I know I haven't posted in a long while and I'm sorry for that.  I have been going through some stuff and had to take some time to work on me.  I have been dealing with some depression but have been put on some medication that seems to be helping a little bit.  I have also been seeing a therapist.  I can't really go into detail right now but to let you know in the end and in the best interest for my health.  I had to leave my job that I loved because of the stress and the types of things I was dealing there on a daily basis.  

    For those of you that don't know I was a 911 call taker and dispatcher for 7 years at my local law enforcement agency.  A personal thing happened to me that certain calls were triggering my depression and maybe PTSD type thing ( I have not been diagnosed but have been told by the EAP rep that it sounded like it).  I had to step away to that I could focus on getting better and hope to someday in the future go back to this job.  I have taken a less stressful job but am having some struggles with going from a high stress job to a low stress one.  My new coworkers are understanding and are helping me though.

    I wanted to start using this blog as a diary to document how I'm doing and the struggles I am facing and hoping to find people having or had similar situations that I have.  To share those experiences to help other people.  I am hoping that this can help me with getting better and becoming the person that I once was and who I know I am again.

I have started a Twitch stream

     I have started my own Twitch channel and have been streaming for a couple of days.  I am still new and learning as I go but so far so good because I stream while playing with friends who are also streamers as well.  My handle is BCEPoliceGirl. 

Last day of vacation

     On the last day of my vacation I stayed at home.  I got to finish setting up my fish tank and it looks amazing but I have to do a couple water changes before I can put my fish in it.

Day 6 of my vacation

    I was going to go to a flea market outside of St Augustine because they were having a Steam Punk event going on.  But because I wasn't feeling that well I ended up not going.  I just ended up staying home and relaxing.

Day 5 of my vacation

    My fiancee and I went to a flea market in Homassasa that day.  We walked around and saw what some people were selling.  We didn't get anything because we didn't see anything that we were looking for.

Day 4 of my vacation

    I went with my fiancee and friend to St Augustine.  We walked around the shopping area and ate at a restaurant call the Bull and Crown.  The food was really good there.  We then went to a local beach and walked up and down the coast.  That was the first time I had ever been or seen the Atlantic Ocean.

Day 3 of my vacation

   Today I went to the aquarium store with my fiancee to look at plants for my betta tank.  I got a couple plants and I think I know how I want to set it up.

Day 2 of my vacation

   I did some shopping for my planted aquarium tank that I am making for my betta fish.  I am going to go with some big leaf plant and bamboo.  I think Sir Ruffles will like it.

Day 1 of my vacation

    My first day of vacation could have gone better.  I woke up this morning having a really bad dizzy spell and got sick.  Ended up going to the hospital and finding out I have a UTI.  So I get to spend some of my vacation taking medication and getting better.

Name of new fish

    I have finally decided on a name for my new fish.  I have named him Sir Ruffles.

New Fish

  I got a new betta fish yesterday.  He is called a Dragon Scale betta fish and he is white and goldish yellow in color.  He is so cool.

New Video Of facts about me

I posted a new video on youtube and it is some random facts about me.  Hope you enjoy.

Going to day shift

   After being on night shift for 4 months, I will be now going to day shift for 2 months.  Even though I love being on night shift, it will be nice to be on days and have a social life.  So all day today I have been staying up most of the day and getting some stuff done.  I redyed my hair and did laundry and cleaning that I have been meaning to do.